Why I wish my mother a happy Father's Day every year

Growing up, I always knew I didn't have a dad. My mother told me the story early on: She had met the love of her life. He was married and had children but was interested in my mother. My mother decided to have a child to forever be reminded of this great love.

Like many womyn, I don't think my mom truly grasped that there was still a huge possibility I was going to grow up without a dad. Not even a baby will make a man stay. He even told her that he did not want another child because his life was already made and he wasn't going to provide for this new baby. But he caved, and here I am.

For years I was angry with my mother for bringing me into this world knowing she was going to be a single parent. At a very young age I understood that my mother had made the choice to bring me into this world without a father--and that was very hurtful for me. Many of my friends had fathers in their lives and had healthy and loving relationships with them. I felt like I was missing out on something important or like I was at a disadvantage for not having that other half of me in my life.

The older I got, the more upset I became because I felt like my mom had set me up for failure. What exacerbated my feelings was our financial situation. As a janitor, my mom didn't make more than $30,000 a year. Some years she only made around $15,000. I felt like I didn't have much because I didn't have a dad, and I didn't have a dad because my mom made that decision for me.

The closer I got to graduating from high school, the more I realized that my mom set me up for success. I thought to myself, "My mom is an actual badass!" Not only could she make $15,000 last for two people for an entire year, she also kept me pretty happy. She would play Gasolina by Daddy Yankee at red lights so I could show off my choreography. She also let me do her hair and take naps with her. She was my first dance partner who taught me all my cumbia moves. She miraculously even found the time to chaperone some of my field trips and never missed a parent-teacher conference.

Of course, like any relationship, we had our problems. She's not perfect, because no one is. And like the rest of us, my mother carries serious trauma from being a Mexican immigrant in the United States who was physically and emotionally abused as a child and an adult. Not only was she a single mother to me, she was also a single mother to my three siblings. She carried that weight the only way she knew how and made sure she did better than her parents did.

The older I got, the more grateful I was to not have a dad. The person my mom fell in love with was an immigrant from El Salvador who was cheating on his wife with more womyn than just my mom. I realized that having him in my life would probably have made living my life harder. I was never "girly," and my significant other is a butch lesbian. Latinx cultural norms make it hard to exist outside of heteronormative binary roles, and there is a high chance that he would have perpetuated these norms in our household.

Since I realized how much work my mom put in to taking care of me, I decided to wish my mom a happy Father's Day. I wanted to let her know that I appreciated her decision to keep and raise me knowing she was going to do so by herself. And since she had hoped I would have a father, I thought it fitting to let her know that although I didn't grow up with a second parent, she definitely filled both roles and then some.

It is because of her that I can speak up in situations many people from similar backgrounds are not comfortable to do so. As a single mother, my mom had to fight to survive and make sure her kids survived. Nothing was ever handed to her, and she didn't have anyone to lean on. If something needed to get done, she was the one who went out and made it happen.

This was my beginning as a feminist. Having a womxn in my life who played every role (homemaker, mechanic, doctor, cook, seamstress, breadwinner, chauffeur) taught me that I could do whatever I wanted. This was further engrained in me from watching my sisters apply what they learned from my mom (both are 20 years older than me) while raising families of their own (both were cheated on and left to raise their children on their own).

Wishing a single mother a happy Father's Day is not for everyone though. Many people feel it is dismissive of the importance of a father's role. This point of view reminds me of difference feminism (how the two sexes have inherently different qualities and therefore are inherently unequal). It seems like people who feel strongly about not wishing a mother a happy Father's Day believe that a womxn cannot fill the role of a "father" do to the biological, and therefore inherent, differences among the two heteronormative sexes.

However, this idea further perpetuates heteronormativity. Difference feminism leaves queer folks (including those who are polygamous) and individuals who decide to raise a child on their own. And I would like to point out that just because my children will have two moms and no father, they will not miss out on anything because femininity and masculinity are not rooted in any one particular gender.

Although there is controversy surrounding whether or not it is okay to wish a single mother a happy Father's Day, I wish my mom one every year because she persevered through her childhood trauma and her adult trauma to pick up the slack of someone who should have assumed the responsibility of being my father. And every year I say it, she is grateful for the acknowledgment and humbled by the recognition of her 24+ years worth of double duty.