For me, the latter was my main concern. A lot of people say that deep down they had always known they were gay. I, however, was not one of those people. Growing up, I believed I was straight. There was no nagging voice in the back of my head telling me that maybe I liked boys.
My mom was diagnosed with cancer right before I turned 15, and she died less than four months later. I attribute not hearing that voice to just trying to readjust to life and dealing with the trauma after her death. But, at 17, I realized I was gay, and within three weeks, I had come out to everyone in my life. It was a very short period between my own realization through me becoming open with everyone in my life.
So, what does this all have to do with the title I gave this blog post? Well, I have always loved to sing. It has always brought me joy. There are only a handful of days where I don’t start of the day humming “Good Morning Baltimore” from Hairspray (Musical) or “Provincial Life” from Beauty and the Beast (Movie). When I feel overwhelmed, I scream-sing “I’m Not Okay” by My Chemical Romance (Band) until I feel better. When I need a good cry I'm feeling sad, I listen to “People” from Funny Girl (Musical) or “On My Own” or “I Dreamed a Dream,” the latter two from Les Miserablés (Musical). Some of the quotes I live my life by come from songs. Two of my favorites, both which come from the song “Down, Down, Down to Mephisto’s Café” by Streetlight Manifesto (Band), which say “You can play the role of rebel, just be sure to know your wrong from right,” and
Way back when the prophecies began, do you think they really had a master plan, or were they merely writing fables, stories? I don’t know but it has occurred to me, the punishment that they threaten constantly, it’s only real if they can just convince me.”I have never been in love, but I have felt how much love can hurt someone by listening to any Adele album. This is all just a long way of saying, I love music and it has and always will be a big part of my life.
However, singing when you are in middle school and high school, especially growing up in the conservative part of California (I lived next to a place named Santee, but people referred to it as Klan-tee because of all the white supremacists living there) is not something a boy does. It’s something a “faggot” does. And this, guys, gals, and non-binary-pals, is where my tale of toxic masculinity begins.
First, what is toxic masculinity? Some on this blog have talked about toxic masculinity (see: Toxic Locker Rooms) and other have defined it (see: #MasculinitySoFragile and the Gendering of Consumer Products). I wanted to define it in my own terms as well. Toxic masculinity, to me, is any type of behavior done to ensure that one is seen as masculine, but to the determent of actor or others. This often means that the actor will avoid doing things that they or society perceive as feminine- like singing, dancing, cooking, talking about your emotions, having long hair, wearing traditionally feminine colors, etc.- even if it is something the person truly loves doing.
For me, the thing I avoided doing because it was considered feminine was singing. I never joined choir at my middle school. And I only joined high school choir my senior year, over half a year after I had come out. I was so afraid of being perceived as an “other” that I purposefully avoided something I truly loved. And I would only have been perceived as an “other” because of the patriarchy dictating what is masculine and what is feminine.
Instead of choir, I joined the next closest thing: band (I played clarinet for 9 years, and was first chair my last year of high school). I made so many good friends in band, and I cherish most of my memories from those times. But I never loved the activity. It was not something I wanted to be doing, but rather was something I was doing to get a fix. I still wanted music in my life, and band was the best, unfeminine way to incorporate it.
But it was not the same. And I look back now and am sad that I was too scared to participate in something I truly loved.
In college, I tried out for a couple acapella groups, but because of my lack of experience and training, I often was under prepared for my auditions, and clearly not the best choice. I only auditioned my freshman year, and it went terribly. I heard other auditions, those that had musical training and had been singing their whole lives, and knew I could not compare. I knew that I would never be on that level without practice, which I did not have time for. Even after shedding my toxic masculinity, I still felt its effects.
It was not until I came to law school that I started singing again. I bombed my audition with Law Capella my 1L year because I was scared. I was a 1L auditioning in front of 2Ls and 3Ls (that in and of itself should be enough explanation), but I also was sandwiched between two people I already knew could sing well. My nerves got the better of me.
Full of resolve, I tried out again my 2L year. Thanks to some help from my friends, and some practice, I was able secure a spot in the group. I have taken a solo three times now, and I will be singing at graduation. I am extremely proud of the journey that has brought me here. I just wish I had not let fear, the patriarchy, and toxic masculinity stop me from pursuing something I truly loved. What comes to mind are The Streetlight Manifesto lyrics I quoted earlier: "the punishment that they threaten constantly, it’s only real if they can just convince me." My fear, the patriarchy, and my toxic masculinity were only real because they just convinced me that I would be nothing if I did not fit the mold.
Just some ending thoughts. One, I am extremely happy with how my life turned out, so even though not joining a choir sooner is probably one of my bigger regrets, I am still extremely happy. Two, life is always better with a soundtrack, so add some music to your life. Three, do not let others define you, and do not let them limit how you live your life because, if you do, you will miss out on a lot of songs along the way.
3 comments:
Max,
Thanks for this amazing post! As you know, music has always been an extremely important part of my life, too. I guess I am lucky in that joining choir, as a girl, never really felt weird. Despite that, my first memory of recognizing how much I love to sing is somewhat gendered. I was old enough to communicate what I wanted to be for Halloween, and I told my parents I wanted to be Simba from The Lion King, not Nala. This had nothing to do with the fact that Simba was a main character, but instead was specifically because he had the best songs in the movie. As an alto, my range is naturally a bit lower, and though I can technically hit most of the notes Disney princesses sing, I always feel more comfortable singing solely in my chest voice. This ends up meaning that I gravitate towards songs that are sung by men, and in effect sometimes forget that as much as people love male singers, we don't always encourage younger boys to sing. I think all musicians would agree that this is a shame. There is nothing that I get more joy from than singing and making music. I'm very vocal about the fact that Law Cappella is my favorite part of law school - I think it is for many of us in the group. Yet, we only have 3 guys including you. I can't help but think that this is partially the result of boys being taught that singing is "girly" and carrying it with them subconsciously. But, this type of thinking ends up devaluing an art that brings everyone so much joy. It takes away a form of self care that doesn't involve spending extra money or extensive amounts of time. Law Cappella has ended up being my favorite oasis, and it is a shame that more guys don't think, or stop themselves, from joining. Not just because rounded out tenor and bass sections make it sound better, but because they're missing out on the joy and relaxation it brings us.
Max,
First of all, thank you so much for sharing such vulnerable feelings. I truly appreciate reading about your experiences as an adolescent. High school is already difficult to begin with, and feeling like you don't fit in while also dealing with trauma can make high school unbearable.
I am also queer and found it really difficult to accept that part of my life. I first kissed another girl when I was in 5th grade. However, I did not consider myself gay. The older I got the more I found girls attractive. But, I always told myself that I found these other girls attractive because I had low self-esteem. Part of my reasoning came from not fitting in with others. I wasn't girly. This meant that I didn't really like wearing makeup or spending time curling my hair or wearing uncomfortable clothes to look "cute." I wore what was comfortable, and that often meant I was in leggings, slides, and a T-shirt with my hair in a bun. Because of this and because my sisters went everywhere with their faces full of makeup, they would constantly ask me why I didn't like to wear make up and do my hair and why I never had boyfriends (I did have "boyfriends" throughout elementary, middle school, and high school. I just didn't feel comfortable sharing that part of my life with my family.). One day, my sister straight out asked me, "Are you a lesbian?" Feeling ashamed at the very thought of that question, I immediately answered "No."
It wasn't until I got to high school and had class with queer classmates, who would likely label themselves as studs, that I entertained the idea of dating a girl. I didn't receive much support from my friends, and I actually justified this by saying that these girls have masculine traits and that's probably why I felt attracted to them. Like you, there was no voice in my head telling me I might be gay because that felt so shameful. I just denied it even though all the signs were there.
Once I got to Mills College, I realized I was gay. However, I didn't "come out" because I don't understand that and I don't even know what that means. One day, I brought a womxn home to meet my mom, and that was that. Two of my family members asked questions about my sexuality, and I answered them very vaguely.
The other part of your blog that I appreciate is your analysis of toxic masculinity through your individual and personal experience of being queer. I think those are the best kinds of blogs because people understand more deeply the toxicity media puts out into the world. It is also important for us to keep in mind that feminism doesn't only touch on issues that directly affect all womyn, but feminism involves everyone who is affected by the patriarchy and everyone who is not treated with respect and dignity.
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