While the study did not look into why having a daughter made men less sexist, it did discover that the effect evolved over time. One of the researchers, Dr. Joan Costa-i-Font, said,
[Men with school-aged daughters] experience first-hand all the issues that [exist] in a female world and then that basically moderates their attitudes towards gender norms and they become closer to seeing the full picture from the female perspective.
So essentially, being a bystander makes the fathers more aware of the female struggles.
After reading this, I thought, does this hold true for my single father? To be 100% honest, my dad was a major sexist throughout my childhood. It’s sickening now to think he taught me that in a heterosexual relationship, "the man" is the king of the castle and what he says goes. My big brother did the yard work with Dad, and he was taught to ignore his emotions and to respond physically, rather than verbally. I learned that “the man” makes the money, fixes the cars, and does not listen to Mary J. Blige’s latest music even if his daughter wants him to. It’s beyond problematic, I know, but the music, movies, and our community also reinforced these sexist views.
But there was a shift once my parents divorced. Then, I also learned that “the man” cleans and cooks (pretty damn well) too.
Even after the divorce though, the traditional patriarchal structure caused my mom to make up for my dad’s failures. Initially, he didn’t shop for me or talk to me about puberty or dating (this changed in my late teens). There were many times when Mom came to the rescue, taking me to soccer practice (because my dad wouldn’t since he had to sleep) or picking me up to get supplies for a school project (because my dad wouldn’t since he had to sleep). You get the picture. He was still stuck in the whole "what he says goes and everyone else has to figure out how to live with it" mentality.
Looking back, I wish I had a feminist father so it 1) wasn’t entirely on my mom (pre or post divorce), and 2) to dismantle the sexist teaching that a “good woman” is one who takes a care-based approach to all things living. As if “good men” can't be taught this too.
Don’t get me wrong. There were times when my dad tried to be a “good man,” and if anything, being a single dad sort of forced him into it. He decorated the house for the holidays, always fixed a homemade meal for dinner, and curled my hair one time for picture day (I hated it, but that’s neither here nor there). Point being, he tried to be nurturing the way he knew how. As time progressed, he got better at it and his sexist views continued to dissipate.
Mind you, this was before the dads don’t babysit movement as well as the BABIES Act. Being a single father in the '90s was somewhat of a novelty. Not only did he have this insecurity to overcome, but much of how he parented was based on his cultural Mexican roots. He learned from his father that domination is power; the man sets the rules and the wife and kids follow; and the man provides while the woman takes care of the husband, children, and household.
After reading this, I thought, does this hold true for my single father? To be 100% honest, my dad was a major sexist throughout my childhood. It’s sickening now to think he taught me that in a heterosexual relationship, "the man" is the king of the castle and what he says goes. My big brother did the yard work with Dad, and he was taught to ignore his emotions and to respond physically, rather than verbally. I learned that “the man” makes the money, fixes the cars, and does not listen to Mary J. Blige’s latest music even if his daughter wants him to. It’s beyond problematic, I know, but the music, movies, and our community also reinforced these sexist views.
But there was a shift once my parents divorced. Then, I also learned that “the man” cleans and cooks (pretty damn well) too.
Even after the divorce though, the traditional patriarchal structure caused my mom to make up for my dad’s failures. Initially, he didn’t shop for me or talk to me about puberty or dating (this changed in my late teens). There were many times when Mom came to the rescue, taking me to soccer practice (because my dad wouldn’t since he had to sleep) or picking me up to get supplies for a school project (because my dad wouldn’t since he had to sleep). You get the picture. He was still stuck in the whole "what he says goes and everyone else has to figure out how to live with it" mentality.
Looking back, I wish I had a feminist father so it 1) wasn’t entirely on my mom (pre or post divorce), and 2) to dismantle the sexist teaching that a “good woman” is one who takes a care-based approach to all things living. As if “good men” can't be taught this too.
Don’t get me wrong. There were times when my dad tried to be a “good man,” and if anything, being a single dad sort of forced him into it. He decorated the house for the holidays, always fixed a homemade meal for dinner, and curled my hair one time for picture day (I hated it, but that’s neither here nor there). Point being, he tried to be nurturing the way he knew how. As time progressed, he got better at it and his sexist views continued to dissipate.
Mind you, this was before the dads don’t babysit movement as well as the BABIES Act. Being a single father in the '90s was somewhat of a novelty. Not only did he have this insecurity to overcome, but much of how he parented was based on his cultural Mexican roots. He learned from his father that domination is power; the man sets the rules and the wife and kids follow; and the man provides while the woman takes care of the husband, children, and household.
Gross, I know, but that was his reality that became my reality until he was forced to have a reality check himself. It was a rough start, but he slowly made the transition to being less sexist, and I’m not sure if it was because of the circumstance (being a single dad) or if it was because of me (raising a daughter), like the study suggested.
Either way, if there’s one thing I learned from being raised by a single dad and could share with other fathers of daughters, it’s to know that you won’t be able to completely understand the female experience and its hardships, but you’re a front row observer with a VIP pass. Take advantage of it.
I’m not asking for you to ignore the differences in our world experiences based on our perceived genders because, Hello! We still live in a gendered society. I’m not even asking for you to teach your daughters how to do the “manly” things because forcing her to imitate men may keep her from uniquely contributing to society. What I am asking is for you to debunk the myth that girls and boys are so incredibly different from one another and to give your daughter the option and empowerment to do what she wants as an individual. Listen and support her needs and desires. No “dad knows best” language because that completely drowns out your child. Listen to her experiences, learn, discuss, and educate other adults because perpetuating the patriarchal system limits and devalues everyone.
Either way, if there’s one thing I learned from being raised by a single dad and could share with other fathers of daughters, it’s to know that you won’t be able to completely understand the female experience and its hardships, but you’re a front row observer with a VIP pass. Take advantage of it.
I’m not asking for you to ignore the differences in our world experiences based on our perceived genders because, Hello! We still live in a gendered society. I’m not even asking for you to teach your daughters how to do the “manly” things because forcing her to imitate men may keep her from uniquely contributing to society. What I am asking is for you to debunk the myth that girls and boys are so incredibly different from one another and to give your daughter the option and empowerment to do what she wants as an individual. Listen and support her needs and desires. No “dad knows best” language because that completely drowns out your child. Listen to her experiences, learn, discuss, and educate other adults because perpetuating the patriarchal system limits and devalues everyone.
This is what I wish my single dad had known back then.
2 comments:
I like this blog so much. It expressed the words I am trying to say. "What I am asking is for you to debunk the myth that girls and boys are so incredibly different from one another and to give your daughter the option and empowerment to do what she wants as an individual. Listen and support her needs and desires. " My family was also full of patriarchy color before my parents divorced. But because I am the only child of my father, he didn't impede me to do the things I like in my childhood. The funny thing is that I realize that he changed after he has another child, who is a boy. He started to teach me how to become a "real women", especially in the houseworks field. I agree with you that if a father stay with his daughter for a long time and the father may know more about a girl. Her mind, her advantages and her fear. Unfortunately, even before my father moved out my home, he didn't spend much time staying with me. So he just treated me as a child without gender difference. I was just like a boy when I was young. I have so much imagination of my future. I like reading, singing, playing pingpong and writing. I knew what I want to do and I tried every effort I can. But now, my father told me not to try so hard. You are just a girl or a woman. I feel disappointed about his patriarchy view, but I understand. He grew up in a family where girls can't choose to attend school but boys can do anything they want. We can't change the history and memory in the past. But I won't do this again to my daughter in the future. Thank you for your blog.
Nicolette, I really connected to this post and the idea that men tend to become more feminist when they raise daughters. My father, while not entirely sexist, definitely held problematic opinions when it came to women and feminist ideas. However, I too noticed these ideas shift as I grew up and we became closer. Now, he even understands what ‘mansplaining’ means!
It saddens me, however, that a majority of men only experience this shift when they raise daughters. It makes me sad because that concept seems to imply that the only way a man can conceptualize women being equal is by connecting with a daughter. It reminds me of how during the “me too” movement a rhetorical device used to connect men to the cause was to remind them they have sisters, mothers, and daughters who may have experienced sexual assault. It’s a problematic notion that men can only recognize the humanity of women when they see it connected to the women they’re closest with.
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